The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
[Joke/comedy thread] Post your jokes and comedy here
-
SetoTK
- Low flying mountains just to the right.
- Posts: 5092
- Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2005 8:34 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
-
froggyboy604
- Anime music gaming Fanatic
- Posts: 35818
- Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 11:28 pm
- Contact:
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Not only the English and French are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
By broadsword on : http://onlinegamerscommunity.freeforums ... ?p=307#307
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Not only the English and French are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
By broadsword on : http://onlinegamerscommunity.freeforums ... ?p=307#307
-
SetoTK
- Low flying mountains just to the right.
- Posts: 5092
- Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2005 8:34 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
Mental Health Hotline
"Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.
If you are suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press ... no-one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you. "
"Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.
If you are suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press ... no-one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you. "
Last edited by SetoTK on Sat Nov 03, 2007 12:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I never really understood Thursdays.
-
SetoTK
- Low flying mountains just to the right.
- Posts: 5092
- Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2005 8:34 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
Things to learn before I die
1 - Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2 - If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3 - There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4 - People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5 - You should not confuse your career with your life.
6 - Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7 - Never lick a steak knife.
8 - The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9 - You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10 - You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11 - There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12 - The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13 - A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14 - Your friends love you anyway.
15 - Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16 - Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the c*** (not the best) out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
17 - A husband will never get the last word in an argument, due to the fact that anything he says is actually the start of an entirely new argument!
18 - Phrases to live by "Please, Thank you, and YES DEAR!"
19 - I believe in equality and women's lib......but instead of changing postman to post person, how about tackling........menstruation, mental illness, menopause, etc......it seems to me that we are picking only the nice ones to change!
1 - Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2 - If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3 - There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4 - People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5 - You should not confuse your career with your life.
6 - Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7 - Never lick a steak knife.
8 - The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9 - You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10 - You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11 - There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12 - The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13 - A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14 - Your friends love you anyway.
15 - Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16 - Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the c*** (not the best) out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
17 - A husband will never get the last word in an argument, due to the fact that anything he says is actually the start of an entirely new argument!
18 - Phrases to live by "Please, Thank you, and YES DEAR!"
19 - I believe in equality and women's lib......but instead of changing postman to post person, how about tackling........menstruation, mental illness, menopause, etc......it seems to me that we are picking only the nice ones to change!
I never really understood Thursdays.