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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

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You are lost in a forest in the middle of the night, but you find a cabin. you walk into the cabin to see a lantern, a fireplace, and a candle. But you only have one match...
Which should you like first?
You are a bus driver. you are driving along and you pick up 7 kids. You keep driving, you drop off 5 and pick up 4. You drive to the next stop, pick up 8 and drop off 7. You are on your last stop and you drop off 7 kids.
What colour is the bus driver's eyes?
Divide 40 by half and add 10. Whats your answer?
What can you hold in your right hand, but not in your left?

You can do it in a room or a car, it's bloody and it hurts! What is it?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a question on the final exam.

The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience. Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He wrote:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius friend who lived overseas.

(I know this joke may offend you, but this actually made me laugh)

Best read with a Japanese accent: Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!"

The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"